Okay so I’ve been thinking about this for weeks now and I need your input.
I keep seeing all these parental alienation books that are either super clinical (hello, boring academic jargon that doesn’t help when I’m crying at 2am) or they’re these rage-filled screeds that make us all look unhinged. Neither feels right to me.
What if there was a book that actually got it? Like, really understood what we’re going through?
I’m curious — if you could design the perfect PA book, what would you want in it? I’m talking specifics here.
Would you want more of the emotional stuff? The grief, the particular hell of missing your kid who’s still alive? Or practical things like how to document everything without losing your mind, what questions to ask lawyers, how to handle those gut-punch moments when your child parrots something your ex obviously coached them to say?
Maybe both? I don’t know.
I keep thinking about how isolated this whole thing makes you feel. Like, my friends try to understand but they just… don’t. They can’t wrap their heads around how a parent can systematically turn a child against the other parent. “Just talk to her,” they say, as if I haven’t been trying for three years.
So would you want a book that helps explain this to other people in your life? Or is that secondary to just having something that validates YOUR experience?
And honestly — would you want hope? Because I go back and forth on this. Some days I need someone to tell me my daughter Emma will figure this out eventually. Other days that feels like false comfort and I just want someone to sit in the suck with me.
What am I missing? What keeps you up at night that no book has ever addressed?
I’m genuinely curious what would actually help us. Because lord knows we need something.
This is exactly what I’ve been thinking about too. The books out there just don’t get it — they’re either too clinical or too angry.
I’d want both the emotional validation AND the practical stuff, because honestly I’m drowning in court paperwork and also crying in my truck after every failed pickup.
This hits different because I’ve been exactly where you are right now. Two years in and I was desperate for something — anything — that didn’t make me feel like I was losing my mind.
What I would’ve killed for back then? Real scripts. Like word-for-word examples of how to respond when your kid says something that clearly came from your ex. I fumbled through so many of those moments, either getting defensive or shutting down completely. Took me months to figure out grey rock responses that actually worked.
And yeah, the isolation thing — I needed a book that could help me explain this to my brother, my boss, anyone who kept asking “can’t you just work it out?” Because honestly, having one person in your corner who actually gets it makes all the difference. The practical stuff matters too but without that emotional validation first, none of it sticks.
The hope question though… man, that’s tough. I think I needed both — someone to acknowledge that this might take years AND give me something concrete to do today so I didn’t feel completely powerless.
I’ve often wondered the same thing about books on this subject. In my five years of what I call living bereavement - losing my grandchildren when my son’s marriage fell apart - I’ve read most of what’s out there. You’re absolutely right that they’re either too clinical or too angry.
What I’d want most is validation of the particular grief we carry. The way people look at you strangely when you say you’re grieving children who are still alive. The exhaustion of explaining over and over that no, you can’t just “ring them up” or “pop round for a visit.” I found myself completely isolated - even other grandparents on Gransnet couldn’t really understand when I tried to explain why I hadn’t seen my grandchildren in years.
I think I’d want both the emotional acknowledgment and the practical bits, but woven together naturally. Not chapters that feel like a self-help manual, but real experiences that happen to include useful information. And yes, measured hope - not the toxic positivity kind, but the stubborn determination kind. The kind that says this is devastating AND you can survive it.
This resonates so much. I’m two years in with my son and you’re right — the isolation is brutal.
My mum keeps saying “beta, just go talk to her properly” like I haven’t been trying everything. The community doesn’t understand and honestly, I’d love a book that could help explain this madness to family who think I’m just not trying hard enough.
The sitting in the suck part — yeah, I need that too.