I found the Love Over Exile website about eighteen months ago when I was in the deepest part of this nightmare. My kids had been completely turned against me for almost three years at that point. The silence was killing me.
But reading Malcolm’s articles and his posts here… god, it was like someone finally understood what I was going through. The way he described that specific kind of grief — mourning someone who’s still alive — I actually cried reading that. I’d been trying to explain that feeling to my sister for years and she just didn’t get it.
The piece about “The Long Game” completely changed how I approached everything. I’d been pushing too hard, trying to force conversations about what their mother was telling them. Malcolm’s writing made me realize I was actually making it worse. That phrase “be the steady lighthouse, not the rescue boat” — I wrote that down and kept it on my desk.
I started following the approach about staying consistent without being pushy. Sending the same text every Sunday: “Thinking of you both. Love, Papa.” Never asking why they wouldn’t reply. Never defending myself when they’d repeat things their mother said.
It took eight months of that approach before Emma started responding. Just short answers at first. “OK” or “thanks.” But it was something.
Malcolm was right about not expecting apologies or big dramatic reunions. Emma never said “sorry for cutting you out” or anything like that. She just slowly started talking to me again. About school, her friends, normal stuff. Last month she asked if I wanted to meet for coffee.
I see both my kids every other weekend now. Tom is still more guarded, but he comes. We don’t talk about the years we lost. Maybe someday we will, maybe not. I’ve learned that’s not my timeline to control.
I know not everyone will have this outcome. But this website and community gave me a roadmap when I felt completely lost. If you’re reading this and you’re in that dark place — spend some time with the articles here. It won’t fix everything, but it might give you some peace with the process. And I can’t wait for Malcolm’s book to come out — if it’s anything like what he’s shared here, it’ll be exactly what we all need.
Oh god, this gave me chills. I’ve got that exact quote written down too - “be the steady lighthouse, not the rescue boat.”
The bit about mourning someone who’s still alive… that’s it exactly, isn’t it? I’m so glad Emma came back around, even if it took those long months of Sunday texts.
God this gives me so much hope. I’m about 18 months in myself and still in that place where you were - my two kids completely turned against me after their dad made up these horrible allegations that the courts are STILL trying to sort out. Reading about Emma slowly coming back… I actually teared up.
That “mourning someone who’s still alive” thing - yes. Exactly that. I tried explaining it to my mom last week and she said something like “well at least they’re healthy” and I wanted to scream. Like yes they’re physically fine but they think I’m this monster who did things I never did and they won’t even look at me in the hallway at court hearings. It’s this specific kind of hell that nobody gets unless they’ve lived it.
I’m going to spend tonight reading through all the articles on this site after seeing this. I’ve been doing exactly what you said - pushing too hard, trying to defend myself every time they repeat whatever lies they’ve been told. My lawyer keeps telling me to document everything but honestly the hardest part isn’t even the legal stuff anymore, it’s just… existing in this limbo where my own children think I’m dangerous. Your Sunday text approach makes so much sense. I’ve been sending these long messages trying to explain everything and they probably just make me look more desperate. Maybe consistency without pressure is what I need to try. Thank you for sharing what worked, especially that it took eight months before you saw any change. I needed to hear that timeline is normal.
This gives me so much hope. Three months in and I’m still trying to work out what’s even happening - my kids just stopped coming over and I don’t understand why.
That phrase about mourning someone who’s still alive… god that hit me hard. I keep trying to explain to people that they’re not dead but it feels like they are?
I’m definitely doing the pushing thing you mentioned - constantly asking them what’s wrong, why won’t you talk to mummy. Maybe I need to read that article about the long game.