Something that’s actually helping
I don’t usually post much but wanted to share something that’s been helping me these past few weeks. My GP referred me to a psychologist called Sarah who apparently has experience with parental alienation - I was skeptical because the last two didn’t even know what it was.
She gave me this book called “Beyond the High Conflict Divorce” and honestly I put off reading it for months because I’m so tired of self-help books that don’t get it. But this one… it’s written by someone who lived through it. She talks about the specific grief of losing your child this way and how it’s different from other losses.
There’s this bit about how you can love your child AND hate what’s happening at the same time, and I actually cried reading it because no one’s ever put that into words before. Like you’re not a bad parent for feeling angry sometimes.
It doesn’t promise everything will be fixed or give false hope which I appreciated. Just practical things about how to cope day by day when you don’t know if they’re okay or what lies they’re being told about you.
Anyway, thought I’d mention it in case anyone else is looking for something that actually understands what this feels like x
God, a therapist who actually knows what PA is? That’s like finding a unicorn. I’ve been through three and had to educate each one myself.
That book sounds like exactly what I need - I’m so tired of generic divorce advice that doesn’t touch on this specific hell of not knowing if your kid thinks you abandoned them.
Going to ask my lawyer if she knows any therapists like your Sarah here in California. Thanks for sharing this x
god yes the loving them AND hating this thing - that hit me so hard when I read that too. I’m in Florida dealing with false allegations and some days I’m so angry at what’s being done to my kids, what they’re being told about me, but then I see their photos and my heart just breaks for them.
Sarah sounds like she actually gets it - I’ve been through so many therapists who just look at me blankly when I try to explain that my 8 and 11 year old think I hurt them when I never laid a finger on them. The grief thing is so real. people keep saying “at least they’re not dead” and I want to scream because this is its own specific hell that no one understands unless they’ve lived it.
I’m going to look up that book - thanks for sharing something that actually helped instead of just platitudes x
god that bit about loving your child AND hating what’s happening hit me so hard I had to put my phone down for a minute. I’ve been trying to explain that exact feeling to people for months - like how can I be devastated about losing my boys but also furious at the same time? everyone keeps telling me I should just focus on the love but it’s not that simple is it.
I’m definitely going to ask my solicitor if she knows any psychologists like your Sarah because the counsellor I saw through the GP just kept asking if I’d tried “co-parenting apps” and I wanted to scream that you can’t co-parent with someone who’s convinced the kids you’re dangerous. My 11 year old told social services I used to hit him which I’ve NEVER done in my life and when I mentioned this to the counsellor she just nodded and said “that must be difficult” like it was just some mild disagreement about bedtimes.
The thing about not knowing if they’re okay is killing me slowly. It’s been three months since I’ve seen them properly and I lie awake wondering if they’re eating enough or if my youngest is still having those nightmares about monsters. His dad never took that stuff seriously but I used to sit with him for hours reading stories until he felt safe again. Now I don’t even know if he remembers that I used to do that or if he’s been told I never cared about his bad dreams. The not knowing is almost worse than everything else combined xx