Question about video calls with kids after reconnecting
So my eldest (16) reached out three months ago after 6 years of nothing. we’ve been doing video calls twice a week which feels like a miracle honestly. But here’s my question - his younger brother (13) sometimes appears in the background or makes comments, and I can tell he’s curious but also… conflicted?
Last week during our call the younger one actually waved at me from across the room but then quickly looked away when my ex called him over. It’s like he wants to connect but is scared.
I don’t want to push anything and risk losing the progress with my eldest. But God, seeing that little wave just broke my heart wide open again. He was 7 when this all started.
Has anyone dealt with this? When one child reconnects but the other is still… stuck? Do I ask my eldest about it or just wait? The Raad said to let the children set the pace but this feels impossible to navigate.
I’m so grateful for what I have but also terrified of messing it up.
God, that wave. I can picture it exactly and it’s making me tear up sitting here at my desk because I’ve been in such a similar spot.
My daughter Mia (15 now) reached out last year after four years of silence, and her little sister Emma (11) would do exactly what you’re describing - hover around during our FaceTime calls, make little comments, sometimes even laugh at something I’d say but then disappear the second she realized she was engaging. It was like watching this internal war happening in real time and it absolutely destroyed me some days. Emma was only 7 when the alienation started too, so she barely remembered our relationship before everything went to hell.
What I learned from my therapist Sandra and honestly from making some mistakes along the way is that acknowledging the younger one gently when they appear is actually okay. Not pushing, not making a big deal, just treating them like… a normal kid who’s there. So now when Emma pops up I just say “hi Emma” casually and keep talking to Mia. Sometimes she responds, sometimes she doesn’t. But I think it shows her I’m not going anywhere and I’m not some monster her mom painted me as. The few times she has said hi back, Mia later told me it made Emma happy even though she got weird about it after.
Your 16-year-old might actually be a bridge here if you let him be. Mine has started defending me to Emma sometimes which feels huge.