New post - 2:47am Melbourne time
can’t sleep again. keep thinking about saturday when I went to pick up the kids and mia (she’s 9) wouldn’t even look at me through the window. just stood there with her arms crossed while jake (he’s 7) hid behind the curtains.
three months ago they were excited to see me. now it’s like I’m a stranger. worse than a stranger actually because strangers don’t make children look scared.
their dad came to the door instead and said “they don’t want to come today anna, maybe next time” in this fake gentle voice like he’s doing me a favour. but I could see him smirking when he thought I wasn’t looking. next time? it’s been six weekends in a row of “next time”.
I sat in the car outside their house for twenty minutes crying like an idiot. some neighbour probably thought I was having a breakdown. maybe I was.
the kids used to race to my car on pickup days. mia would always forget something and run back three times before we left. now they won’t even answer my texts. when they do it’s weird short responses like “ok” and “fine”. doesn’t sound like them at all.
I don’t understand how this happened so fast. we were fine in february. by may they didn’t want to come over anymore. what changes that quickly in a child’s mind?
spoke to my sister today and she keeps saying maybe they’re just adjusting to the separation but this feels different. kids don’t just stop loving their mum overnight do they?
anyway. back to staring at the ceiling I guess.
God 9 and 7 is so young for this. That fake gentle voice from their dad made my stomach turn - I know exactly that tone.
Oh Anna, this hit me right in the chest. My youngest did the exact same thing when she was 8 - wouldn’t even look at me through the window, just stood there like I was something dangerous. I remember that frozen feeling when you realise your own child is scared of you when you’ve never done anything to hurt them.
The bit about them racing to your car before… god yes. My Chloe used to forget her teddy or her water bottle and I’d have to turn around twice before we even left the street. Now she barely says hello when I do see her. But here’s what I’ve learned - it’s not that they stopped loving you overnight. Someone has been working very hard to make them feel guilty for loving you, and that’s not the same thing at all.
Keep sending those texts even when you get those weird one-word replies that don’t sound like them. my youngest started replying to my birthday cards last year after 3 years of nothing. Small steps but they matter x…
God, that smirking thing - I know that exact look. The fake concern while they’re destroying everything behind the scenes makes me want to scream.
God, Mia with her arms crossed — that image is going to haunt me. The fake gentle voice thing, I know exactly that tone.
God, that image of Mia with her arms crossed at the window just broke my heart. My twins used to do that same fake-polite “ok” text thing when they were 8.
You’re right - kids don’t just stop loving their mum overnight.