How I explained PA to my new partner

Survival Strategies
1

How I explained PA to my new partner

So I’ve been seeing Sarah for about four months now and things were getting serious enough that I had to have The Conversation. You know the one. The “my kids hate me and here’s why” talk.

I’d been dreading it since our second date. How do you explain this nightmare to someone who’s never lived it? Where do you even start?

We were having dinner at this little Italian place in Park Slope and she asked again about my kids. I’d been dodging it with vague answers about “complicated custody stuff” but she deserved the truth.

I went with the basic facts first. “My ex turned them against me. It’s called parental alienation. They refuse to see me even though I have court-ordered time.”

Her face went through about five different expressions. Confusion, then disbelief, then this look like maybe I was the problem. That one stung but I get it.

“But surely if you just talked to them…” she started.

Here’s where it gets tricky. Normal people think love conquers all. They can’t wrap their heads around a 12-year-old screaming that daddy is evil while parroting phrases no kid would naturally say.

I had to get real. Told her about Emma calling me a “toxic person” in her mother’s exact words. About Jake hanging up when he hears my voice. About the therapist who finally confirmed what I’d been saying all along.

Sarah went quiet for a long time. Then she asked the question they all ask: “What did you do?”

Nothing. That’s the mindfuck of PA. You get destroyed for loving your kids too much, not too little.

But here’s the thing - three weeks later, Sarah started researching on her own. Read books, watched documentaries. Now she’s the one telling me to stay strong when I get those crushing waves of grief.

Last week she said something that floored me: “Your kids are lucky to have you fighting for them, even if they can’t see it yet.”

Dating while alienated is brutal. But finding someone who gets it? That’s everything.

2

Oh wow, this just brought back so many memories of those early conversations with my boyfriend Mark. The look on his face when I tried to explain why my 8-year-old daughter tells people I’m “mean” and refuses my calls… it’s like you’re speaking a foreign language to someone who grew up in a normal family.

I remember sitting in my car after one of those failed explanations, just crying because I realized how insane it all sounds. “My ex-husband has convinced our daughter I don’t love her and now she won’t see me even though I have custody time” - like, who believes that? It sounds like something a deadbeat parent would make up as an excuse. Mark’s first reaction was definitely that maybe I wasn’t telling the whole story. I could see it in his eyes even when he was trying to be supportive.

The turning point for us was when he actually witnessed one of my daughter’s calls with her dad. She was staying with us for a rare weekend visit and her dad called during dinner. I watched this sweet, giggly kid transform into this cold stranger right in front of Mark’s eyes. She started using these adult phrases about how uncomfortable she felt at my house and how she “just needed space from me right now.” Mark looked at me afterward and was like, “That wasn’t her talking, was it?” Finally someone saw it.

It’s such a relief when they start doing their own research. Mark found that documentary “Erasing Family” and came home just devastated but also finally understanding. Sarah sounds like a keeper - anyone willing to educate themselves about this nightmare instead of just writing you off as a bitter ex is worth holding onto.

3

Same boat mate. Had to have that exact conversation with my girlfriend about three years back.

The look on their face when you try to explain it - like you’re speaking a foreign language. But the good ones stick around and do the homework. Mine’s now fiercer than I am about it sometimes.

4

This gives me hope. I’m about six months out from my ex taking the kids to Wellington and I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever be able to explain this mess to someone new.

The “what did you do” question - ugh, that one hits every time. Even when they believe you, there’s always that split second where you can see them wondering.

5

Oh man, the “what did you do?” question. That one always hits like a punch to the gut, even when you know it’s coming.

I’m about 8 months into court proceedings myself and I’ve had to have this conversation too. It’s like trying to explain quantum physics to someone who’s never heard of atoms. My sister asked me the same thing - “but surely Emma would want to see her mom” - and I just sat there thinking how do I explain that my 14-year-old daughter has been programmed to believe I’m dangerous?

The fact that Sarah went and did her own research… that’s huge. Most people either write you off as the crazy ex or they just can’t handle the complexity of it all. My friend Lisa did the same thing after I finally told her why Emma won’t return my calls. She came back a week later and said “holy shit, this is a real thing and it’s worse than I thought.”

You found a keeper. Hold onto that one.