Subject: he asked about football yesterday
My son called me yesterday. First time in maybe two months? He’s 16 now, almost 17. We talked for maybe 15 minutes about school and then he asked if I still follow Ajax.
I said yes of course, we used to watch together every weekend before… well, before everything changed when he was 12. He said he started watching again with his friends at school. Then he got quiet and said “I remember you taught me the offside rule when I was small.”
I nearly cried right there on the phone. Four years of almost nothing and then this small thing. He remembered.
His mother picked up the other extension - I could hear the click - and suddenly he said he had to go for dinner. But before he hung up he said “maybe we can watch a match sometime.”
I don’t know if he meant it or if she made him say goodbye quickly. I’m trying not to hope too much because it hurts so bad when things go backwards again. But I bought tickets for Ajax-Feyenoord next month. Just in case.
I keep thinking about that little boy who used to wear my Ajax scarf that was too big for him. Sometimes I wonder if that boy is still in there somewhere.
Sorry, this is probably stupid to write about football but it felt important.
Right so I read this and I’m sitting here at 1am trying not to wake my flatmate but jesus this got to me. My daughter used to love baking with me - she was obsessed with making these terrible chocolate chip cookies that were always burnt on the bottom but she was so proud of them. She’s 14 now and I haven’t heard her voice properly in 18 months except for those awful stilted conversations where her mum’s obviously listening.
But last week she sent me a text - just a photo of some cookies she’d made at school in food tech. No words, just the photo. And I stared at that picture for about an hour because they looked exactly like the ones we used to make together when she was 8, same wonky shape and everything. I wanted to text back something about how good they looked but I was terrified that saying anything would make her regret sending it.
It’s not stupid at all mate. These tiny moments when you catch a glimpse of who they were with you before everything got poisoned - they’re everything. The Ajax thing sounds massive actually. He remembered you teaching him the rules, he’s watching again, he wants to go to a match. That’s your boy still in there fighting through all the manipulation. I hope those tickets aren’t wasted but even if they are, even if he can’t make it because of whatever pressure he’s under, he reached out. That phone call happened. She can’t take that away from either of you.
This is not stupid at all. Football, it means so much more than just the game, yes?
My son, he was also around 12 when everything changed. He is 18 now and we started talking again last year, very careful like you. The first time he mentioned something we used to do together - it was cycling, we went every Sunday morning - I had the same feeling. Like a small light going on after so long in the dark.
Those tickets for Ajax-Feyenoord, that was good thinking. Maybe he will say yes, maybe not yet, but you are ready. I learned to always be ready but not to expect, if that makes sense. The remembering, that is the most important thing. He remembered you teaching him offside. That little boy with the big scarf, he is still there. I believe this.
Take it slow, that’s what I tell myself every day. But this phone call, this is something real.