Haven’t slept in 3 days
It’s 3:17am and I’m sitting on my kitchen floor eating cereal out of the box because I can’t… I don’t know. Everything feels impossible right now.
Emma was supposed to come this weekend. Court order says every other weekend but she texted Friday saying she “doesn’t feel comfortable” here anymore. That’s not her language. She’s 13, she says things like “that’s mid” and complains about her teachers, she doesn’t say she “doesn’t feel comfortable.”
I drove by her dad’s house yesterday. I know I shouldn’t have but I did. She was in the front yard with his new girlfriend’s kids, laughing. Just… laughing. Like I don’t exist. Like the 13 years before the divorce never happened. We used to have pancake Sundays and she’d help me pick out nail polish colors and now she won’t even answer my texts.
The mediator said give it time but it’s been 6 months since she last stayed over. Six months of empty weekends and her bedroom getting dusty and me pretending I’m fine at work on Mondays when people ask about my weekend.
Is this normal? Do other kids just… stop loving their moms? Because that’s what it feels like. Like she just decided I’m not worth her time anymore and there’s nothing I can do to change her mind.
I keep thinking about last Christmas when she hugged me goodbye and said she loved me. That might have been the last time…
Sorry this is all over the place. I should probably try to sleep but every time I close my eyes I just see her face when she looks at me now. Like I’m a stranger.