Right so I’ve been lurking on here for about 3 weeks reading everyone’s posts and thought I better introduce myself. Gary from Kent, dad to two amazing kids - Jake who’s 9 and Emily who’s 7. Haven’t seen them properly in 4 months now.
My ex made some serious allegations back in February that got investigated by social services and police. All dismissed as malicious but the kids have been told God knows what and now they’re scared of me. CAFCASS are involved and I’ve got a section 7 report coming up but to be honest I don’t hold out much hope.
I’ve already spent £12,400 on my solicitor and I’m basically broke. Had to move back in with my mum at 38 which is proper humiliating but needs must. The kids used to stay every other weekend and half the holidays - now my daughter won’t even take my calls and my son just parrots whatever he’s been told.
Sorry bit of a ramble but needed to get that out. This place seems like people actually understand what it’s like when everyone else thinks you must have done something wrong or you’d still see your kids wouldn’t you.
Anyway that’s me. Hoping things get better but preparing for the worst if I’m being honest…
£12,400… that’s so depressingly familiar. I’m at about £8k now and barely keeping my head above water.
The bit about everyone thinking you must have done something wrong - god yes, that’s the worst part isn’t it.
Christ mate, I could have written this myself about 8 months ago. Same bloody story - allegations investigated and dismissed but the damage was already done wasn’t it. In my case it was April when social services turned up at my door, Jake and Emily are almost the same ages as your two.
The money side is what really gets me angry to be honest. I’m now at £15,800 with my solicitor and that’s just for the CAFCASS process - haven’t even got to final hearing yet. Had to cash in my pension early and I’m living on beans on toast most nights but what choice do you have? My solicitor keeps saying “we need to respond robustly to these allegations” which seems to mean another £400 every time someone sneezes. At least you’ve got your mum’s place - I’m in a studio flat above a chippy in Maidstone which smells like vinegar 24/7.
The bit about your daughter not taking calls hits hard. My youngest used to ring me every night before bed, now if I’m lucky I get a stilted conversation where she asks if I’m going to “hurt mummy” again. It’s like they’ve been reprogrammed and there’s nothing you can do except keep showing up and hope the truth comes out eventually. CAFCASS worker seems decent enough but they’ve heard it all before haven’t they. Keep your chin up mate, at least you’re not going through this alone anymore.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this Gary. The allegations thing - I know exactly how that feels. My ex did something similar about 3 years ago and even though everything was dropped, the damage was already done with my kids.
The financial side is brutal isn’t it. I spent everything I had on lawyers in Amsterdam courts before I found this community and the book. What actually helped me more than any solicitor was stepping back from the legal fight for a while and just focusing on being consistent. I know that sounds impossible when you’re in the thick of CAFCASS reports and everything, but honestly the turning point for me was when I stopped trying to prove I was a good dad and just… waited. Sent birthday cards, texted occasionally, didn’t push.
It took nearly two years but my kids started asking questions themselves. Now I see them every other weekend again - it’s not perfect but Emily asking to stay for dinner last month was worth more than any court order. Your Jake and Emily will remember who you really are eventually.