Four years since I lost them

Emotional Wellbeing
1

Four years today

Four years ago today I dropped Lily and James at their dad’s for what I thought was a normal weekend. Lily was 8, James was 6. They hugged me tight and said see you Sunday mummy.

I never saw them Sunday. Or the next weekend. Or Christmas. Or their birthdays.

Been sitting in my car outside their old primary school for the past hour watching other mums collect their kids and I can’t stop the tears. Lily would be 12 now, in year 7. James is 10. Do they still like football? Does Lily still read three books a week?

My therapist Emma says anniversaries are always the hardest and I should’ve prepared better but honestly nothing prepares you for this. It’s like they died except they didn’t - they’re three miles away living their lives without me.

Got a birthday card ready for James next month that’ll probably go straight in the bin like all the others. Still write them letters I’ll never send. Still hope my phone will ring and I’ll hear “mummy” again.

Four bloody years. How is that even possible.

The school receptionist recognises me I think - she always looks away when I drive past. Can’t blame her really. I’m the mum who “abandoned” her children according to the stories he tells.

Some days I think about moving away, starting fresh somewhere they can’t accidentally see me and feel whatever it is he’s taught them to feel. But I can’t leave the area where they are. Can’t explain it but leaving feels like giving up completely.

sorry for rambling. Just needed to write it down somewhere people might understand x

2

God mate, four years since mine found me and I still remember every single detail of that first Instagram message from Bella. She was 17, said “I think you’re my dad” and I nearly dropped my phone in the Woolies car park.

The wondering never stops does it - what they like now, how their voice has changed, if they remember the little things. Bella told me she still has the stuffed wombat I gave her when she was 5 but had to hide it for years. Makes you realise how much they carry even when we can’t see it.

That school drive-by thing - I used to do the same outside her high school in Brisbane. Never saw her but couldn’t help myself. The pain of being so close but invisible is something else entirely. Don’t apologise for rambling mate, we get it here x…

3

God the school thing. I sit outside mine too sometimes, it’s been 8 months since I lost my two and I still drive past their school like some kind of masochist.

The birthday cards that go in the bin - fuck that hurts because you know they probably never even see them.