New to this… didn’t think I’d ever be here
So I guess I’m doing this. Found this place at 2am googling “my daughter hates me” for the hundredth time this week.
I’m Diana, 38, divorced 18 months ago and my 13-year-old Emma has basically… disappeared from my life. She was always daddy’s girl but this is different. She won’t come over anymore, says I “stress her out” and that she’s “happier” at her dad’s. These aren’t words a 13 year old uses, you know? Last week she told me I was “toxic” and hung up on me.
I keep thinking I must be a terrible mother but then I remember… I was the one who drove her to dance class every Tuesday for 6 years. I was the one who made her Halloween costumes by hand. I was there for every scraped knee and bad dream and now she looks at me like I’m a stranger.
My ex got remarried in June to someone who’s apparently “like the mom I never had” according to Emma’s last text to me. That one nearly killed me.
I haven’t eaten a real meal in weeks… just coffee and whatever I can force down. My sister thinks I’m having a breakdown but how do you explain this to someone who’s never lived it?
Is this actually alienation or am I just a shit mom who can’t accept that her kid doesn’t want her anymore…
God Diana, that text about being “the mom I never had” would have destroyed me too. I actually had to put my phone down when I read that part because I know exactly how those words feel when they hit you.
I’ve been where you are - my two were 11 and 14 when everything fell apart four years ago. Same thing with the language… my youngest started using words like “manipulative” and “controlling” about me, words that definitely didn’t come from an 11-year-old’s vocabulary. It’s like they’re reading from a script someone else wrote. The Tuesday dance classes, the Halloween costumes… I made my son’s Iron Man costume from scratch when he was 8 and he loved it so much he wore it to bed. Now he won’t even take my calls.
You’re not a shit mum, Diana. You know you’re not because you remember being there for every scraped knee and bad dream. That version of you didn’t disappear - Emma’s just not allowed to remember her right now. My therapist Kate helped me understand that children this age are particularly vulnerable to this kind of pressure because they’re desperate to belong somewhere, and if one parent’s making them choose… well, they’ll choose the path of least resistance. It doesn’t mean the love is gone. It’s just buried under layers of someone else’s narrative about who you are.
The not eating thing though… I get it, but you need to try. Even if it’s just toast. You can’t fight for her if you’re not taking care of yourself.
That thing Emma said about her stepmum being “like the mom I never had” - Jesus Diana, that would have floored me too. Six years of Tuesday dance classes don’t just disappear, no matter what anyone tells her.
I’m about 6 years down this road with my daughter Lily, she’s 17 now. When she was 13 she said almost identical things - the “toxic” word, the hanging up, telling me I stressed her out. Kids that age don’t suddenly develop therapy-speak on their own, you know?
The not eating thing… yeah I remember that. Lost about 8kg in the first few months because food just felt pointless. You’re not having a breakdown Diana, you’re grieving. And you’re not a shit mum - shit mums don’t hand-sew Halloween costumes or spend 6 years in dance studio car parks.
I can’t tell you if it gets easier exactly, but it does get different. You learn to carry it without it crushing you completely. Keep showing up when you can, even if it’s just a text she doesn’t answer.
God, that “like the mom I never had” text would have destroyed me too.
You made Halloween costumes by hand — that’s not what shit moms do, Diana.
Oh god that “like the mom I never had” text… I actually gasped reading that.
13 year olds don’t say “toxic” on their own, Emma’s being coached and you know it xx
God, the “toxic” thing - my 14-year-old said the exact same word last month and you’re right, that’s not 13-year-old language. Started documenting everything after that conversation.
That text about being “like the mom I never had” - I’m so sorry Diana, that’s the kind of thing that stays with you at 3am isn’t it.
Five years in and I still remember the first time my grandson called his step-grandmother “nan” instead of me. These aren’t their words at 13 - you’re absolutely right about that.
You’re not a shit mum. Shit mums don’t hand-make Halloween costumes for six years running.