Subject: CAFCASS officer asking to speak to my kids again - should I agree?
So my CAFCASS officer Sarah wants to have another chat with my 9 and 7 year old next week. This would be the third time now.
Last time they came back saying daddy makes mummy sad and they don’t want to upset mummy. Word for word what my ex has been feeding them for months. The 7 year old even used the phrase “emotional damage” which… come on, what 7 year old says that?
My solicitor says I should agree because refusing looks bad but honestly I’m watching my kids get more confused and upset each time. The eldest won’t even look at me properly anymore.
Anyone been through multiple CAFCASS interviews? Does it actually help or just make things worse? I’m already £12k down and every meeting seems to push them further away from me.
At the end of the day I just want to protect them but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing here. Feels like I’m damned if I do damned if I dont
God the “emotional damage” phrase from a 7 year old - that hit me hard. My 8 year old started using words like “uncomfortable” and “boundaries” that definitely didn’t come from her vocabulary. It’s so obvious but somehow the system doesn’t see it.
I’ve been through two CAFCASS meetings so far and honestly each one feels like starting from zero again. My officer keeps asking the same questions and my kids keep parroting the same coached responses. My lawyer says the same thing yours does - refusing looks worse than agreeing, even when you can see it’s harming them. I’m documenting everything now though, writing down exactly what they say before and after each meeting. One dad here told me to keep a detailed log and I wish I’d started sooner.
The money thing is killing me too. Already at $8200 and counting. sometimes I wonder if that’s part of the strategy - just bleed us dry until we give up.
God, reading about your 7 year old saying “emotional damage” - that made my stomach drop. I remember when my youngest started using words like “manipulative” at age 8. No child learns that language naturally.
I went through something similar with the Raad van de Kinderbescherming here in the Netherlands - they kept wanting to interview my boys, and each time they came back more distant. The social worker kept saying it was “necessary for assessment” but I could see it was tearing them apart inside. My eldest started having nightmares after the second meeting, wouldn’t tell me what they’d discussed but I could see the confusion in his eyes.
What really hit me was watching my kids repeat phrases that sounded exactly like their mother’s voice coming out of their mouths. It’s heartbreaking because you know they’re not their own words, but the officials don’t always see it that way. In my case, I eventually asked for all future interviews to be recorded and for specific questions to be limited to what the children initiated themselves rather than leading questions. My lawyer wasn’t thrilled but it helped protect them a bit.
£12k… Christ, I know that feeling. We’re so focused on fighting for access that sometimes we forget the real battle is just keeping our kids feeling safe and loved. Those repeated interviews can definitely push them further away if they keep being asked to choose sides or explain feelings they shouldn’t have to carry.