What is parental alienation? A simple explanation

Understanding PA
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What is parental alienation? A simple explanation

I get asked this question a lot, both here and when I’m speaking about the book. So I thought I’d pin down what we’re actually talking about when we say “parental alienation.”

At its core, parental alienation is when a child consistently rejects one parent without good reason, usually because the other parent has — whether consciously or not — influenced them to do so.

Now, that’s different from a kid just preferring one parent sometimes. My daughter always wanted Mum to read bedtime stories because I apparently “did the voices wrong.” That’s normal. Kids have preferences.

What we’re talking about is systematic. It’s when a loving relationship gets poisoned. When a child who used to run into your arms suddenly won’t look at you. When they repeat things that sound rehearsed, or use words they’ve clearly heard elsewhere. “Dad never loved us anyway.” “Mum only cares about herself.” These aren’t a 7-year-old’s natural thoughts.

I lived this. One day my son Jake was showing me his football cards after school, the next month he was telling the court-appointed counselor that I “scared him” — though he couldn’t say how or when. It wasn’t his voice anymore.

The alienating parent doesn’t always set out to destroy the relationship. Sometimes they’re genuinely hurt or angry from the divorce and can’t help themselves from sharing too much, asking leading questions, or just… breathing their pain all over the kids. But sometimes — and I hate writing this — it’s more deliberate. A way to hurt the other parent by taking what matters most.

Either way, the child suffers. They lose half their family. They carry guilt and confusion they shouldn’t have to carry.

The research is clear that this happens. The courts are slowly catching up. But for those of us living it right now, the academic definitions don’t capture the daily heartbreak of it.

What does parental alienation look like in your experience? What would you add to help someone who’s just starting to understand what’s happening to their family?

Malcolm

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This hits close to home, Malcolm. That bit about your son Jake using language that wasn’t his own — God, I remember that so clearly with my boys. One minute we’re kicking a ball about in the park, next thing they’re telling me I’m “not safe to be around” in these flat, rehearsed voices. My youngest was eight and using phrases like “emotional manipulation” that I knew damn well he’d never heard at school.

The systematic part is spot on. It’s not just preference, it’s like watching someone slowly erase you from your children’s memory. My ex wasn’t deliberately evil, I don’t think — she was hurting and scared after our split. But her pain became their reality, and suddenly I was the villain in a story I didn’t even know was being written.

Five years on, my lads are back with me properly. But they still have these… gaps. Whole chunks of their childhood where I apparently didn’t exist in their minds. We’re rebuilding, but some of those scars run deep.

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This is exactly what happened with my grandchildren - one day they were showing me their school projects, the next they wouldn’t even wave goodbye. Five years of this living bereavement and I still can’t quite believe it’s real.

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This explains so much. My kids stopped coming over three months ago and I’ve been going mad trying to work out what I did wrong.

Reading about Jake using words that weren’t his own voice — that’s exactly what’s happening with my 9-year-old. She’s suddenly saying things like “you make me anxious” which just… she’s never talked like that before.