Alienation by the system — when institutions make it worse
Had my court hearing yesterday and I’m still processing what happened. The judge basically told me that my kids “seem happy” with their mom and that I should just be grateful for my every-other-weekend schedule. This is after three months of my ex canceling visits last minute, the kids suddenly refusing to take my calls, and my 12-year-old telling the court investigator that I “make them uncomfortable” — words that sound nothing like him.
My lawyer presented our documentation. Dozens of canceled visits. Screenshots of my ex telling me the kids are “too busy” for dinner calls on school nights. Text messages from my youngest saying daddy is “mean” in language she’s never used before. The investigator’s response? “Children go through phases.”
The school counselor called me last week about my middle son acting out. When I mentioned the custody situation, she said she “can’t take sides” and suggested family therapy. I’ve been asking for family therapy for months. My ex refuses to participate and there’s apparently nothing anyone can do about that.
It’s like watching someone poison your children in slow motion while everyone in authority positions says they can’t see it happening. The system is set up to maintain status quo, not protect kids from psychological manipulation. Unless there’s physical abuse or drug use, they treat this like a simple custody disagreement between two reasonable parents.
My kids used to run to me when I picked them up. Now they barely look up from their phones. The oldest told me last weekend that mom says I only want custody to “hurt her feelings.” These aren’t their words. But try explaining that to a judge who sees fifty cases a week and thinks kids just need time to “adjust.”
The most maddening part? Everyone keeps telling me to “document everything” but when you present that documentation, suddenly it’s “just paper” and what matters is “what the children want.” Except the children want what they’ve been programmed to want.
I’m not giving up. My lawyer says we’re building a strong case for the long term. But damn if it doesn’t feel like the whole system is designed to enable this kind of damage while tying the hands of the parent trying to stop it.
This is exactly what I went through two years ago. That phrase “children seem happy” — Christ, I can still hear those words ringing in my ears from my own hearing. Of course they seem happy when they’ve been told for months that the other parent is the source of all problems. My Sarah was 10 then and using words like “inappropriate behaviour” to describe me helping her with homework. Ten-year-olds don’t naturally say “inappropriate behaviour.”
I presented everything too. Calendars showing forty-three cancelled visits over six months. Voice messages where you could literally hear my ex coaching them in the background. The court welfare officer’s response was almost identical to yours — “children adapt differently to divorce.” It’s like they have a script for dismissing evidence that doesn’t fit their tidy narrative about “high conflict” parents.
The worst part was watching the system actively enable it while wrapping it in concern for the children’s wellbeing. My ex refused mediation, refused family therapy, refused everything — but somehow that never counted against her. Meanwhile I was jumping through every hoop they put in front of me. Parenting courses, psychological evaluations, supervised visits that cost me £60 an hour. And through it all, my kids were getting further and further away from me while everyone nodded and said we just needed to “give it time.”
You’re absolutely right about the documentation paradox. We’re told to document everything, then when we present mountains of evidence, suddenly we’re “obsessive” or “unable to move on.” The goalpost constantly moves. I’m still fighting, still documenting, still believing that truth will matter eventually. Some days I wonder if I’m deluding myself, but then I remember who my children used to be with me.
God, this is exactly my nightmare. Three hearings in and the judge keeps talking about “maintaining stability” while my ex feeds my kids lies about me.
The system is broken. I’m documenting everything too and it feels completely pointless some days.
God, this is my life right now. Same judge attitude, same “phases” bullshit from the evaluator.
This is my life right now, word for word. Brooklyn family court, two years in, and I swear these judges must have a script. “Children seem fine, don’t rock the boat.” Meanwhile my 8-year-old won’t hug me goodbye anymore and my ex just got the school to add her boyfriend to the pickup list without telling me.
The documentation thing kills me. I’ve got binders full of evidence - canceled visits, coaching conversations I recorded legally, my kid parroting phrases she learned from mom. Judge glanced at it for maybe thirty seconds. But when my ex claims I’m “intimidating” with zero proof? That gets twenty minutes of discussion.
Your lawyer’s right about the long game though. Mine finally explained that family court moves like molasses but kids grow up fast. Most judges won’t make big changes until there’s a clear pattern they can’t ignore. Took me eighteen months to get that first overnight back, but now we’re rebuilding slowly. Still hurts like hell watching them come back confused and distant every time, but at least now I know it’s not about me giving up - it’s about outlasting the poison.